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This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Posted by blueray | April 27th, 2017

I need to vent. And since this space is still here, I am going to take advantage of it. I was okay. I was maintaining stability and emotions were in check. Then something small sets the whole thing off again. I feel so pathetic and ashamed of where I am. I feel so embarrassed by what I have not accomplished. I have not reached my potential and I know it. I am afraid others can see it too so I hide away which only results in more shame and loneliness. I need a helping hand. I need someone to help point me in the direction of what I can do. I need to just get my foot in the door. I have so much to offer – I think anyway- and I keep getting rejected. I can’t take it anymore. I am a failure. What I need I can’t seem to find. What I do have I need space from. I don’t like to think about giving up. But the shame is unbearable lately. Of what I went through as a child, to what I fail to accomplish now, to the ever present and noticeable scars on my body reminding everyone who sees what kind of person I am.
I go through periods where I rise above and feel almost optimistic about what I can do, how I can use my past for good. But my efforts to get further are crushed with constant rejections and just people not caring. I don’t want to keep fighting, and I feel selfish asking for the universe to help guide me in a clear direction that will be fulfilling. I need a break and it’s not coming. I am so beaten down and discouraged. I want to give in and just give up.

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Catapult

Posted by rushingtonumb | April 4th, 2017

I 1st injured deliberately when I was 6. I evolved through different ways of injuring. In college, I added other ways. I quit for nearly 10 yrs and injure again when I was married and looking to divorce him, to find myself as a woman who actually was attracted to women. Good little baptist turned sinner lesbo, I hid and ignored so much. I was so strong after I left and married the person I believed was the love of my life. A good friend was murdered in a hit and run, a client overdosed and his chart homepage was stuck open for 2 weeks on my log in, my dog was hit and I had to pick her up. I am a social worker, a behavioral health tech, I “teach” all the others how to be “ok.” People look up to me and I am dying inside, yet ice cold and shivering just to remain in the present. So close to SI again, so close. I can feel it and almost touch the realness of the fire within. ¬†To slow the racing, to break the loop. To breathe, a deep breath I am unable to find. Alleviate the pressure on my sternum, the pain of my muscles bound so tight, waiting for anything to happen so that I can react in atrocities I feel guilty for in my own life, hidden behind the door. Barred from anyone’s sight, but my own. No one has stood with me, no one will stand with me. I stand alone, gasping and contained pain awaiting an end. Put me anywhere else.

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Self Love and SI

Posted by Kohl | April 4th, 2017

I feel like the only person in the world who still self harms and doesn’t hate themselves.
I’ve looked at self harm blogs when I was younger and still hated myself, and over the years I have grown to like myself a lot more than I thought I ever could. I may not love myself as much as I should, but it’s a lot better than it used to be.
Does anyone else feel like this- like they still hold onto their bad habits, but they still care about themselves even though they haven’t stopped yet?

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SAFE Blog

Posted by Pam L. | March 28th, 2017

Hi all,

As one of the blog moderators, I am aware this blog isn’t being used very often. ¬†I’m often sad when I see people reach out for help, and my hope is that people will respond and offer support. ¬†That’s what this blog is here for. ¬†I’ve been proud to see people use it as a safe place to talk and reach out for support when they needed it.

It seems that we need to likely change this format because of lack of use. ¬†I would encourage people to reach out via the SAFE Facebook page or the info@selfinjury.com email address as needed. ¬†I’m not sure when the changes will take place, but I wanted to offer people some warning, in case there are those who still come here seeking some support. ¬†Please know we read all your words, and you are not alone. ¬†We hope people keep reaching out for support – help is available, if not in one place, then go to another. ¬†We ALL need help now and then.

Best wishes to you all.

The Team at S.A.F.E. Alternatives

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My Birthday Curse Strikes Again

Posted by esoper1976 | March 19th, 2017

It’s times like this when I wish this site were more active. ¬†I participate in other sites that are much more active, but they are not trigger free, and some even allow/encourage pictures. Definitely not what I need right now.

My birthday has been cursed for a while now.  My Oma (grandmother in German) died three days before I turned 20.  A friend of mine killed himself on my 20th birthday, and at that time, my roommate was very suicidal and I was also being stalked.  That started a trend of anyone close to me dying on or around my birthday. My Opa (grandfather) died three days after I turned 23.  A few other people died around my birthday.  One year, I thought it would be safe to have a gathering of family for my birthday on April 1st (my birthday is March 18th), because by then, the two week period would be up, and no one would die. My Grandpa Fred died a day or two before then.

I thought the curse was finally over when my mother’s parents died. ¬†Neither of them died anywhere near my birthday. ¬†But, today I was given a harsh reminder that the curse still exists. ¬†My childhood best friend (we’ve known each other since we were four) died yesterday from cancer. ¬†Another death on my birthday. ¬†And, I am losing my therapist as well–she is retiring. I have one more scheduled appointment with her. ¬†She is trying to squeeze me in before that though, because she had to cancel my last appointment–she was out sick.

On top of all that, I have been kind of heading into a bit of a downward spiral. ¬†Nothing major (yet), but just kinda heading into a bit of a depression. ¬†(no relapses or slip ups, I’m still over seven years clean). ¬†My med provider has warned me that I’ve been on my antidepressant long enough that it could stop working at any time now. ¬†If that happens, he plans to just switch me to another in the same category, which should solve the problem. ¬†I am not sure if my feeling a bit down has to do with this being my bad time of year, me losing my therapist, or my meds pooping out on me. ¬†Hearing the news about my friend ¬†definitely didn’t help matters any!

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I FINALLY GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Suzy | March 10th, 2017

It has been 15 years since I left the SAFE Program and 15 years since I have SI’d. ¬†And yesterday as I was driving along ruminating¬†over these past 15 years and what the difference is it hit me. ¬†The key to stopping self-injury¬†is to stop allowing others to injure you or imply that you deserve it because you are somehow less than. ¬†Once I realized that I was too valuable to allow myself to be attacked, I also realized that I was too valuable to destroy myself. ¬†I no longer allow myself to be minimized¬†and one Thanksgiving when my brother was attacking me I did the unthinkable: I kicked him out! Mind you my Mom owns this house but it is our home so I didn’t kick him out of her house, I kicked him out of my home and that was only if he could not get himself under control.

It is great once I realized that I really am a person of worth, I don’t have to put up with nearly as much garbage as I used too. ¬†Even though I am dealing with the same people, it is as if the word has gone out not to mess with me. ¬†It is really cool I don’t have everybody “shoulding” all over me anymore.

So if anybody is still in touch with Michelle, tell her thanks, I got it.  It took awhile but I did get it, and that is why I had to leave because I got it.

Suzy and Dylan dog

 

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Posted by blueray | March 9th, 2017

I feel like a failure. I can’t seem to find a job. I feel worthless and unwanted. My education feels like a waste of time and money. I am getting desperate. The more desperate I become the worse the downward spiral gets. I think because of how I a have been feeling, I have started to have more and more intrusive thoughts about self harm. My thoughts are very graphic, and severe. I don’t want to think I’d act on anything, however I did just buy some new ‘tools’. There is this ‘I don’t care attitude’ about SI right now. I feel like I am worthless so I am not putting much value on my health and what I choose to do to my body.
I really don’t know what to do. I continue to not to have anyone to confide in. I was hoping for some sort of divine intervention, but I have lost most of the faith. And yet, walking around I seem almost calm and ok. I am ashamed to admit its because I have told myself that it can be a choice to give up. I think having that as an option has made things seem less intense. Like I have a way out.
I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to have a way out – not like that anyway. I just feel so stuck and alone. I want to be wanted, to be financially independent, to feel valued and worth something. While I am finding a tad bit of that in volunteer work, it is not the same. I continue to feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel embarrassed even typing this out and using this blog as a outlet, but the anonymity helps.
My one hope one day is that I can use my past experiences and struggles with SI to help others. I have tried to get on that path. Why is it so hard. I just want to feel useful. I want the scars to mean something more than just shame. It feels like I will forever be covering up, struggling for acceptance and belonging. The struggle is exhausting.

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my story

Posted by realm | March 1st, 2017

This is my first blog post to this site and I`m a little nervous to any reactions I may or may not get, but uh here we go. I started self harming at the age of seventeen, I had several injuries, I started using S.I as a way to feel anything other than sadness and pain, if your wondering what led me to this I`ll tell you, in 2015 I had to move from a small town that I lived in for almost six years and it was painful for me because I had to leave my best friend behind I was diagnosed with depression by a therapist but all my mom said was you make yourself like this, stop, etc.. and¬†her saying that would send me into panic/anxiety attacks that lasted from 45 minutes to¬†over¬†6 hours or until I decided to sleep it off. In May of 2016 is when I started S.I because I`m very anti-social and introverted and I push people away from me because I built this wall around me so people couldn’t hurt me like they have in the past, but within time I slowly let people in , but over time I kept slipping further into my depression because my friend told me you have no reason to be depressed and I should just stop being sad and be happy, eventually I turned to S.I to let the sadness out of me, I would S.I regularly for a month and a half, my sister found and helped figure out alternate methods to hurting myself, she even introdueced me to the butterfly project, after my parents found they couldn`t look me in eye for almost a month and because¬†of that it made me want to¬†S.I again but I¬†didn`t I was already a disappointment to them I didn`t want to make worse by relapsing¬†after I promised my dad that if I wanted to hurt myself again I would come to, I even pinky promised him. They even took me out of therapy because they thought my therapist wasn’t doing anything to help, when she was.¬†After I was clean for a few months I relapsed again and didn’t tell my sister or my parents and it hurt me even more because I promised I wouldn’t do it, I would come and talk to my parents so I added another, in December while my sister and I were in a hotel elevator she saw the injuries that scared over and she was angry and hurt that I didn`t come talk to her. Less than a month after I turned eighteen I relapsed again because I failed a test that I needed to graduate twice, so I¬†hurt myself as punishment to myself for failing; ¬†And very recently I relapsed again, in the beginning of Febuary after I had an incident with my “best friend” (not the one mentioned earlier) I was so angry and hurt, I injured myself and then I went inside and drank myself to sleep because I was angry that I couldn’t sleep so I turned to alcohol, after discussing the situation with another friend (we`ll call her Jan, I want to protect the identity of this person) Jan and I both felt as though the “best friend” was fake, two faced, and didn’t care about us. Last Saturday she asked if I was still mad I was honest and told her I was, (because she said she would change and she lied to me) after talking fro about an hour and half I got so angry and upset that I S.I, and my sister found out about three days later¬†and we talked it out, she said it hurt her. Hence¬†then I have felt as though no one actually cares about me I mean yeah my sister is there but I feel as though that she feel obligated to care. I feel so alone all the time, I feel like I have no one to talk to, to relate to. I feel that my depression,¬†really low self-esteem, self hatred, anxiety, and scars prevent me from living my life, getting a job, finding my soulmate and just over all enjoying life.

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Lost

Posted by blueray | February 2nd, 2017

I feel like I’m at the very edge of what I can emotionally tolerate right now. I am scared of what I can’t control and sometimes even more scared of what I can control but don’t know/don’t want to go about doing what I need to. I’m trying not to engage in SI. Ultimately I know it won’t do anything for me, but the rage and anger are too much. I sometimes feel it’s best to SI so I can get some of that emotion out and not take it out on others.

My depression has taken a nose dive. The news makes me on edge everyday. I am scared. I am having trouble finding a job and the constant rejection makes me feel worthless. Because of my constant depression I am not being a good person at home. I’m failing those I love. I have no close friends or support. So to help I started therapy again. The therapist cancelled our second appointment. I feel worthless and unimportant. I take everything personally and feel “what is the point?”. I’m losing any sense of purpose, and self worth. I’m scared of my own selfish needs/wants not being met and I’m scared for all of us and the planet. It all is so overwhelming and I don’t know where to turn anymore. The emotions that I hold in give me a headache and I can’t stop the emotional eating. I feel like I’m screaming for help, but it gets lost and if heard is not as important as others’.

I’m losing me and I don’t know if I want to hold on much longer if there is no hope.

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Loss

Posted by esoper1976 | January 20th, 2017

O.k., so I found out from a friend of mine who sees my therapist that my therapist is retiring. ¬†I’m sure she will tell me herself at our next session in a couple weeks. ¬†I have been seeing her for probably close to six years now. ¬†She is a large part of the reason I am doing as well as I am. ¬†I know I will have the option of switching to another therapist at the same practice, and I will choose that option, but it will still be a HUGE loss. ¬†I’m not sure what to do with it right now. ¬†Also, she is retiring in April, which is pretty close to my bad time of year. (My birthday is mid-March, and Feb/March/April are bad times, mostly around my birthday, because that is when a ton of bad stuff happened to me). ¬†I don’t want to make my therapist feel bad by turning to self harm after she leaves, so that is a good motivation not to hurt myself. ¬†Last year, during my bad time of year, my therapist was out of the office for a few months because she broke her foot and had to have multiple surgeries. ¬†It was REALLY hard on me, but I stayed clean because I didn’t want her to feel bad for getting injured. ¬† It wasn’t her fault she was gone so long.

 

Right now, I would LOVE to get really sick, or injured (accidentally), and need to be hospitalized, but I know that probably won’t happen. ¬†I will definitely not be hurting myself in the near future, which probably means I won’t be in the distant future either. ¬†I am currently home alone because my roommate has ¬†a thing she just started going to on Friday nights. ¬†This is actually a good thing–she is learning she can do things without me, so maybe she will also learn I can do things without her! ¬†But, I have to stay up until she gets home. ¬†She doesn’t like to walk alone outside in the dark, and I told her I’d walk her in the house when she gets home. ¬†She said she’d be home a little after eight, but now it’s almost nine. ¬†I have to work in the morning, but she doesn’t. ¬†I hope she gets home soon, so I can get enough sleep for work in the morning.

There are a lot of good things going on in my life right now. ¬†I bought a house in October (super stressful, but wonderful too), and we are loving it. ¬†(I am renting a room to my roommate). ¬†We have so much more room than we had in our apartment. What is super nice is we have two bathrooms now–so we each get our own! YAY! ¬†But, I also get more alone time, and private space, which means I could potentially have more access to self harm. But, I’ve been clean for a little over seven years now, so I don’t want to ruin that streak.

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