Everything has led to this moment. My depression and self-harm has gotten to the point where I’m more than disgusted with myself. There is no one I can talk to, my own mother thinks I’m “faking” or doing it for attention. I would never fake it. I didn’t ask to be this way. I’m a disgusting person. Everything I do is wrong. I’m so sorry for everyone I have bothered, which I’m sure is a lot. I just want someone to care, I know that’s selfish, but that’s all I need. Please.
I Couldn’t Hold On Anymore
Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | May 15th, 2013
So my many weeks of battling off thoughts of SI are over. I acted out on the urge tonight after a bad day and just having enough of everything. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of feeling alone. So, I injured. I don’t think it helps that I planned out the whole thing. By mid-morning, I knew I was going to injure myself tonight. I knew I couldn’t go one more day without it. I actually thought, as the time approached, that maybe I could hold out and not injure after all. But then I got all stressed out about some possible money problem that I was not expecting, so I was just done. Normally, I would have been able to handle that okay, but not tonight. Not the way everything in my life has been going lately. I had a bad experience several months ago that seems to have caused much of my life to make a lot more sense. Why I’ve always been so anxious all of the time. I always wondered why I became so anxious at age twelve. I could never figure it out. My family is full of anxious people, so nobody thought that this was a huge problem for me. However, I recently remembered a traumatic event that happened to me when I was twelve, and after this event, my anxiety spiraled out of control. My parents paid no attention to my anxieties, but instead, my mom spoke to me in this annoyed tone on a number of occasions, and my dad laughed once, as if to them, I was overreacting. So, I began to do whatever I could to protect myself. I repressed the event itself, never understanding why I was so afraid of people looking in at me through uncovered windows. Then, I remembered the event itself here recently while visiting my parents and now everything makes sense to me. Why I’ve always been so afraid of people seeing me through uncovered windows and why my anxiety got so bad after that. It’s not even the peeping tom experience itself that bothers me so much. The situation itself was handled properly, which I am grateful for. It’s the fact that nobody listened to what I was needing from them in order to feel safe after the event itself that I am dealing with now. Remembering this has reminded me just how terrible I must have been to deserve not being heard, and that I was nothing but a bother. So, now that I’ve been reminded of those things, it’s no wonder that I have struggled so much with self-hatred and the fear of bothering others even more so than normal, and why my SI triggers have been so bad.
Fall Where They May
Posted by Xfm.soundsX | May 15th, 2013
I always believed in ‘To Move On Is To Grow’. That being said, since the beginning of this year I haven’t done a whole lot of moving on. I’ve had some really good experiences this year, But I have been extremely lonely and sad due to all of the changes in my life. I now know how a squirrel must feel when the see a car coming. Because out of No Where my life seems to have taken a turn. For the better? I’m not sure. There would have been a time where I would have undoubtedly said yes, but I am not a fan of letting people back into my life who I feel have hurt me so badly that I can’t get passed it. I haven’t had any luck letting my Once best friend back, I still don’t trust her at all. And as Far as the Once (and to be perfectly honest) Current Love Of My Life? Pretty much the same issue. On one hand Its practically been the only thing I severely wanted since this year started. On the other hand I feel like going backward in any way is a mistake. Its unfortunately undoubtedly that I am a different person with him. Somehow I think that he makes me better. I can’t really explain it but….I don’t know. I can see a difference in myself for the first time in years. Unfortunately I think sometimes that exploring life alone and letting the pieces of myself fall where they may might be a “safer” choice than just following my heart again.
Am I SIing With Food?
Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | May 14th, 2013
Okay, so maybe I have discovered something that I am not liking. I think I am starting to SI with food. I used to binge when things got tough. But now, I just don’t eat. My roommate has started to notice, and for some reason, that bothers me. I’m not anorexic or anything. I’m not afraid of gaining weight. However, I just fail to eat. I’ll wait until I’m absolutely starving, almost shaky with hunger, before I’ll eat. My roommate asked me today if I’ve eaten anything, to which I said yes. Not enough though, for my stomach still hurts from hunger. She told me that the other day, she noticed that I hadn’t eaten much, and it was four in the afternoon. She then asked me what I ate last night. I was super vague about it, but she finally figured out what I had. Not enough to fill up anyone. She asked me if I was still hungry after that, to which I said no. However, that was not true. I was starving. I must emphasize that I am not afraid of gaining weight. It’s almost like I am just too depressed to care for myself. I’ve also been sleeping a lot, which I know is a symptom of depression. I just want to sleep all of the time, and would do so if I did not have other commitments. I’m also wondering if my food issues are what is keeping me from other forms of SI? Just some thoughts. I’m wondering if anyone out there has any thoughts on this?
I Was So Happy I Almost Cried
Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | May 13th, 2013
Today, I received an unexpected email from one of my friends who I am in a Christian small group with. The subject simply said: “encouragement note”. Wondering what this was about, since I had missed last week’s meeting, I opened it, and she went on to tell me that all of the women in my small group had written each other notes of encouragement last week and that mine was attached. I read the attached document and almost cried. Their words of kindness and encouragement meant so much to me and came at just the right time. Not to mention that two days ago, a friend of mine emailed me and said that he would call me sometime this week so that we could talk. I was not expecting that either, and almost cried then because I was so happy.
so sad
Posted by connie72463 | May 12th, 2013
I lost my mother in law last week. I was married to her son and he passed away 16 years ago. I didn’t want to get close to her so I kinda took her her supper and left. Not stopping to talk to her there or on the phone. I feel real bad now and I think I go closer to her than I wanted to see since my husband died I have not let anyone into my life. I only let my kids in. I am totally confused right now. I am struggling to not si. I have been IP for a few days now. I found my mother in law and now all I see is her were she was. I have done so wheel the past year by getting around and fixing her super every night. I feel I will go back to not caring about anything and not eating right. Before I started to fix her supper I would eat cereal all the time. My 2boys are on there own now so it is just me. Well thank you all for letting me get this out o hope I keep from so because I got it out.
Sick of myself
Posted by buffy_the_vampire_slayer | May 11th, 2013
Okay this is too much in two weeks. What is going on?
It’s insane I actually think I am happier than I have been in a very long time so why am I doing this? It makes no sense to me. Maybe I am afraid to be happy. Maybe I don’t know what to do when things get a little uncomfortable between me and the boyfriend. Logically I understand that things cannot always be perfect between he and I. But anytime there is any discord between us I get worried. My happiness is going to leave. Why is my happiness wrapped up in him anyway? Am I not complete person without him? Capable of creating my own happiness?
I analyze every statement he makes, every thing he does. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Why do I feel this way all the time? What is wrong with me?
I am a very well educated intelligent smart person. Why can I not figure out how to deal with and express my emotions in a logical manner?????
Confused
Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | May 11th, 2013
I just don’t get it. Sometimes, I think it’s okay to be angry about what happened to me. Yet on days like today, I think I should just get over it, that it could have been worse, that other people have been through worse things than what I have been through, so I should just move on with my life. Yet I know this is not helping me either. I am just so confused. I mean, part of me argues that I had to forget about what happened for a reason, and that’s why I’m dealing with all of the emotions now that it has all come back. Yet another part argues that it doesn’t matter, that I should just get over it.
This Again?!
Posted by Bean | May 10th, 2013
Tonight I SI’d. I’m in complete and utter shock, really…it’s been years. I’m not upset, not down, my life is looking up and things had finally been going right for me. So why did I hurt myself?! I don’t know. This feeling is so indescribable. The action didn’t feel the same to me as it did all those years ago either: no pent-up energy, no adrenaline, no satisfaction and no release followed. For once, SI did not serve its purpose. Is this a good thing?
Subconsciously I think I might know a reason or two for this unexpected episode. My recent success handling SI has been partly due to a change in meds. I changed meds and have had amazing results; my mood has completely shifted so that my emotions and actions are in sync with that of a “normal” person. However, I’ve gained substantial weight from the medicine and its begun to make me restless. I have a past with anorexia, and so there are eating disorder thoughts brewing in my brain. I have not acted on my thoughts, which I’m proud of. Instead, I’ve tried watching my diet more closely and getting outside and biking more frequently.
Also, I’ve had trouble with relationships recently. Basically, I’m in a dry spell. Relationships came so easily when I was far gone and deep into my SI and depression and my eating disorder, so it’s made me think that in my “sobriety” I’ve become…well…boring. I have a drama-free (but not stress-free!) life as a full-time college student and part-time employee. There’s so punch or pizazz to my life I guess, and I don’t like to create chaos and ruffle feathers. My most recent ex broke things off after only a month. We never fought, we had fun and laughed together, and things were smooth sailing, then one day she says I’m gorgeous and smart but we just don’t click. Her ex had actively had eating issues and depression, and it made me feel like I just wasn’t interesting enough, that that was really the reason. I don’t want to feel like I have no substance. Maybe I SI’d tonight because I wanted to renew that twisted vigor I once had. Shake things up a bit, see if pulling the damsel and distress act would win somebody’s heart. I don’t know– I hope not. It sounds so pathetic…it’s not me or who I want to be. At any rate, I don’t want this to happen again. Mark my words. Boring or not, SI is long gone.
Posted by healing | May 10th, 2013
Maybe I can write myself into some sense– no– that is my trying to push myself – being mean. The world is falling apart, but that isn’t really happening – but it keeps happening anyways so it doesn’t really seem to matter that it isn’t happening. I am lying in my bed staring at the wall. I notice that my hands are glued to the side of my face the The Scream. They have new that way for a while. I am going through my skills- trying to access what they even r – looking for one that might help. But idit want to be helped. I want to amplify and amidst and cause the world to collapse, since it is, in fact, collapsing anyway, even though it is not. So many ways to be mean for me to be mean to me. I can see it all, but I’m unable to intervene. Which sounds a lot like what is actually happening. I stopped living when I got a suggestion that felt forced upon me. That is the number one trigger for anxiety- not feeling in control. That is the thing I have been learning in therapy for years- how to stop things if its too much – how to be gentle and not force myself. The way things have been forced on me in the pat. Tht is not my life now. In my life now I am safe am I can stop things. But it felt like the grip of fate- I must do this thing. That I know would have massively massive potential bad bad bad effect on my mental health. Feeling all trapped in by other people’s double binds. But that is not my life. And I can make a positive life for myself. It my duty to make a positive life for myself – even when people are calling out to me to save them. I have to make sure I am taken care of. My needs need to be met. I have the right to some boundaries. I’m in control. My freedom is a learned behavior. I am calming down.
But what to do with myself righ now. Everything on earth seems overwhelming and requiring way more energy than there exists within me. But lying in bed couldn’t be helpful. And I think my dog is dying. And no one, nine of my friends (I do have friends !)- they don’t get it though. Their troubles with their kids are absurd to me. Their troubles are absurd to me. I feel horrible about that. I am lucky that they will even talk to me. I’ve had so much crisis- feel so broken. And I see the grace in brokenness – all grace. But I’m at a moment of difficulty relating and difficulty with the suggestions that reveal we live on different planets. I don’t want to feel alone. There r 12 step people in my life where I do not feel that chasm but most of those people do t hav kids – my mom friends ….
How do I take care of me. That’s all that really matters. Everything else will fall into place. Let the cards fall where they may. So, the problem is that I have worked all day and have work I need to do but there is no way I can focus on that right now. My therapist- I hear him in my head (finally) – he wants to know what will happen if I give up on work. I could lose a sale, but I don’t need that sale to keep my household fed – so bye bye- I hereby give up on working. Now, the problem is that a human still must always do something. I can not turn me off or turn the world off and I so sure that lying in bed is healthy for me. But I don’t want to do anything- ah- just heard my therapist again – he knows that I do not *want* to do anything but he doesn’t really seem to care. …..maybe I can fall asleep.
